I'm making this entry because my boyfriend is bugging me about not making an entry.

So, this is my entry.

Guess what.

When you read this. 

Know that I love you more then you love me. +one.

:]

I read the book, "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky last week, and there is one thing in the entire book that stuck out at me more so than anything else. It was a poem that was written by an unknown someone, but it is said to be a susicide note. I wanted to post it here because I just fell in love with it. And yeah. Plus, I just need something to write an entry about. :]

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And all the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him into bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange stedy look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kisses
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because it was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on te back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because he didn't think 
he could reach the kitchen.

[: [: [: [: [: [: [:

That's all I can do right now.

[: [: [: [: [: [: [:

Right off the back, just by reading that title, and know me as a person, you should know that everything that will be typed in this blog entry is as confusing as my life at the moment. Actually, scratch that. My life is fucked at the moment because almost every person around me is unhappy. And it seems that the only way for everyone around me to be happy again, I'm going to have to make myself unhappy in the process.

I am this close to having a meltdown. If I'm lucky, it won't happen. But I've never really been that lucky before. And what is luck really? Just something that people hold close to themselves as a reminder of their childhood. I mean, luck was something we believed came with a rabbit's foot when it came attatched to the bow on our birthday gift when we were seven or eight. 

Does anyone remember in Kindergarten when you'd just walk up to a kid and introduce yourself and five minutes later, you were that kid's best friend and he or she was yours? Wasn't it so much easier? Relationships then were based on,"Hi, my name is so and so. Want to be my best friend?," and secret handshakes, and sharing cookies and trading lunches. None of this, "I'll call you." and then you forget. Or "I love him." When you've only been dating for a minute and a half.

And what's with this whole, "I need a boyfriend in order to survive." mantra that everyone seems to be living off of these day? yes, having a boyfriend is amazing, and when you love him, it's even better, but the minute it get's complicated, everyone's out the door. That's why it's that much easier, when your in your 20's, to stick to flirting and one night stands. Although, when you're 80,  you're not going to have the warmest bed possible.

I think everyone's looking for different things, but that those different things lead you together and with the person you're supposted to be with. Life isn't a fairytale, and anyone who honesly thinks that, is naive and kidding themselves. Life is messy; mine is right now. But if you keep kidding yourself into this happly ever after and that in the end everything is going to work itself out, you have a lot coming to hit you and bit you in the butt.

Maybe, everything with hit you after the whole 'happily ever after' thing hits you. Not everyone is happy all the time. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone who is happy all the time. Period. I think that if you're not happy, then you need to do something about that. And everyone has they're own defination of happy. 

-X-

Why do people leave?

Why do people lie?

Why are all the rules that are meant to be broken, the only ones that stay intact?

Why do hearts get broken?

Why is it so difficult for everyone to say how they feel, and do what they want to do?

What's with all these stupid labels?

Ever notice that there's never a law against something until it happens? Or a stoplight put at an intersection until there's been 10 or 15 accidents there?

Why are innocent babies aborted? They did nothing wrong.

What happened to women respecting themselves and man respecting women?

Is it so wrong to just want to curl up and sleep life away sometimes?

Why are people racist? Sexist?

Where did the days go when you could walk down the street and not have to worry about never seeing your family again?

What causes suicide?

Is love the greatest pain of a lifetime?

Can it really fix everything?

Does everyone really have a soul mate?

What happened to waiting until you're married to sleep with someone?

And protection? It's almost gone these days. Alright. It's there. But let's be honest. If something's going to happen, protection can go screw itself.

Does everything really happen for a reason?

What happened to Saturday Morning Cartoons and Sunday Morning Church?

If a woman's breasts are what make her feel like a woman, why is breast cancer one of the main killers of women?

Why don't we like to let people in?

Why don't we let people see us cry?

Why do we have to cry?

What happened to happiness?

Why do people have to die?

What makes people think life is so confusing?

What happened to just being in the moment?

Is there really a man in the moon?

Does love exist after a broken heart?

What happened to the world? How did it get like this?

Why are celeberties living in houses with 89 bedrooms, when children in Africa and India don't have a one room shack?

Why has everyone given up?

Why doesn't anyone fight anymore?

Why do people starve themselves to prefection? And to a hospital room?

Why do you fake love when it's only going to hurt you in the long run?

What happens to the liar who lies to save someone's life?


**
...

Why don't I understand all these things? 

-X-